That time I went shopping and it made me really hate shopping

Hi-de-hi, everyone. I haven't written a personal post for a while because there have been a few things going on in my little mind, but it's been my prerogative not to share them.

Tumblr: my toxic frenemy

First things first - I'd like to thank Chelsea Birkby, my oldest friend, and one of my best friends in the world. If it wasn't for her, this post wouldn't be happening. And for that, I owe her a lot. Firstly, because without her I'd still be stuck in a toxic cycle, and secondly, for making me feel a whole lot better about everything. She has inspired this post. So Chelsea, this one's for you (and for Katie, who kindly said "You're fit babes, don't worry about it")...

Lately, I've been on a downward spiral. Initially it started with self-doubt, which I blamed on starting a new job, and the uncertainty and anxiety that comes with new ventures. But then I started to dislike myself, dislike how I looked, dislike my size, my hair... just about everything. I mean, it started to veer on self-loathing.

Only now do I realise that this is bad, and it needs to stop.

And if my job wasn't to blame, what was? The simple answer: Tumblr.

Now, for those who aren't familiar with Tumblr, it's a social platform like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc, but it's different in that its main focus is photography (although you can share links, videos, quotes, text, and more).

At first, Tumblr was a bit of a novelty to me. It was a place to share things that I couldn't on Twitter. You know the drill: things you wouldn't post on Facebook, you tend to post on Twitter... And Tumblr was a place I could post things that I felt were too angsty for Twitter. 

It was a place I could rant, complain, moan about anything I wanted, and no one would say anything.

Which was liberating for a while, but then kind of sad, when you think about it. Can you imagine a place where people speak about things that bother them, and they disappear into the internet, with no one to console them? Well, that's Tumblr.

But it gets worse. Because Tumblr is more than that, worse than that. Not only does it allow a place for people to complain, but it allows for people to indulge in sadness. Almost until indulging becomes normal, and expected.

My "dashboard" (the equivalent of a facebook wall, or a twitter feed) was full of quotes and photography reblogged by people saying things like "When will things get better?", "I wonder if anyone knows how lonely I am", "It's 1am and all I can think about is you, and where things went wrong", "It sucks to be the ugly, fat and boring friend"... and so on. These posts have notes (likes & shares) in the 6 figure range. It's not right. And when you see things like this all the time - I'm guilty of scrolling through my dashboard first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening - it starts to affect you. And in my case, I found myself starting to feel this way, reblogging sad things, and feeling sad.

If that wasn't bad enough, Tumblr is guilty of promoting an unrealistic body image and unrealistic role models. I became attuned to seeing picture after picture of flawless models, Emma Watson, Lily Collins, Cara Delevigne, until I became numb. I knew I couldn't look like them, but I wanted to. It made me feel utterly crap. And the "typical Tumblr girl" was laughable - long, long dirty blonde hair, button nose, thigh gap, flat stomach, often donning a bikini (they always have pert, cellulite-less bottoms) or cut off shorts which on anyone above a size 6, would be considered indecent.

Again, if you see this all the time, it becomes the norm, and something to aspire to. Tumblr was my guilty pleasure, but it also became completely toxic. I felt like if I was down, I could always find solace in an angsty marker pen-covered paint sample (look it up, it's a total tumblr stereotype). Whenever I felt like I wasn't looking my best, seeing those  "perfect" girls was painful. It wasn't fitspo, it was just ridiculous. It was as if Tumblr was simultaneously encouraging indulgence in self-hatred and adoration of the unattainable, yet I couldn't get away. For every "sad" quote, there was a beautiful picture of the beach, offering a little escapism and aesthetic pleasure. For every ridiculously toned stomach, there was an adorable cat gif. But the negative always out-weighed the positive.

This might sound quite dramatic, but it's pretty amazing (disturbing?) the effect images and words can have on a person. Needless to say, if you've ever been moved by a book or a painting, you can begin to understand what I mean. Tumblr is just a digital version of this.

So, what was the point in this post? Yesterday I posted a particularly negative rant, and I woke up to my friend Chelsea saying "I saw your post, and I'm worried about you". It took a friend telling me to stop, and consider what the site was doing to me, to realise that I had to draw a line. Tumblr, if it was a friend, would be the type that gives you a back-handed compliment, lets you think they are reliable and trust-worthy, then completely betrays you, wishing you'd never met them in the first place.

I didn't need a "note" on a rant I'd written to make it feel like someone understood me; I needed a friend to tell me that I had a lot of things going for me, and that I was lovely, and beautiful, and had to stop being so negative.

Since this text, I have deleted the Tumblr app on my phone and iPad. I'm going cold turkey and avoiding the site until further notice. If I have a craving for pretty photography, I'll go on flickr or something. If I want a nice quote, I'll Google one. I thought Tumblr was the perfect combination of guilty pleasures rolled into a social media site, but it's only served for me to feel awful about myself, and it's time to cut it off.

Has anyone else felt the toxicity of Tumblr, or is it just me?

The dog days aren't over... and that's okay

So I've realised a few things in the last couple of weeks:

1. I have a tendancy to romanticise the past, which makes the present seem a lot worse than it actually is.

2. A healthy body is the first step to a healthy mind.

and possibly the most important thing...

3. To feel more confident, sometimes it's all about the little details.

The Easter holidays has, and will continue to mean for the duration, university work and paid work. At first this notion filled me with dread, but then I realised that I'm a complete sucker for organisation, and the holidays were the perfect opportunity to spring-clean my life and plan things to the last detail... which is a little bad sad, I'll admit, but that's just me.

So when I'm doing university work, I'm semi-content because it means I'm getting things done and a few hours closer to being FINISHED, and when I'm doing paid work, I welcome it as a chance to use my brain for practical means, not just focusing on the lovely topic of incest (which I've managed to base both my essays on, and I don't know what this says about my state of mind to be honest!)

Oh, and when I'm not doing work, I split my time between mindless TV - think New Girl, The Mindy Project, The Carrie Diaries and TOWIE - and the occasional outing to the gym. I'm determined to get there three times a week, even if it kills me.

Within this essay madness I've had my down moments, and moments where I feel like I can't be bothered anymore, and I put minimal effort into my appearance because hey, who am I trying to impress, the librarian? Somewhere along the way, I lost a bit of self-esteem, and started to wonder whether I could actually look NICE anymore.

You'll be happy to know I've found the answer, and sorry, but it IS shallow. I don't care.

My solution? Lipstick and some boot heels.

Even if your hair isn't styled, and you're wearing minimal make up, lipstick makes it look like you've made an effort (even if you haven't), and brightens up your complexion. I'm an absolute sucker for the bright pink lipstick I bought from Topshop about a month ago (it looked red on the website, but I'm glad for the mistake!) I wore it for my step-dad's birthday outing to The Shard, and it instantly made me look half decent, even though I was exhausted and stressed.

And boot heels... it shouldn't need any explanation, really. Heels automatically make me feel more grown up, make anyone's legs look longer and slimmer, and if you're wearing boot heels they're not nearly as painful as regular heels, and they are on the dressy side of casual - or casual side of dressy - without making it look like you've tried too hard.

The combo took all of about 5 minutes, and that's because to this day I still can't tie my shoe laces up very quickly, and I am rather challenged when it comes to applying lipstick. It would probably take most people less time than that.

Here are some pictures of my Easter weekend including my step-dad's birthday meal in Chinatown, The Shard and our Easter Sunday afternoon tea, although if you're following me on Twitter/have me as a friend on Facebook, you'll probably have seen them already:

 

 

 

 

 

Complete with a very strong G&T, courtesy of M&S

 

So I guess what's I'm trying to say is that even when you're feeling pretty darn unattractive, it's the little touches that can go a long way. Do something for yourself, indulge a little in the superficial, and let yourself be selfish. It feels good. And if it makes you look good, even better :)