What 2013 has taught me

Hi guys. It's been a while, I know. I've been settling in to life in NW2 and constantly messing things up too quickly, and then taking too long to fix them. It hasn't left much time to sit down and write (which I've actually really missed).

Now, I know that 2013 isn't over yet, but with work wrapping up for the year, and many things coming to an end (it was my line manager's last day before maternity leave today, and loads of lovely temps are finishing up their contracts on Friday) there is a weird sense of finality in the air. Another chapter is ending, and another is beginning.

So with this in mind, I have begun to reflect. Unlike last year, I don't feel too nostalgic. This year's been tricky, with lots of hard lessons to learn, various issues to deal with, and lots of occasions where I've just been looking forward to the future. "Tomorrow's another day" doesn't seem like the nicest mantra to live by (and I've been using this a lot for motivation)... Maybe it's just been a case of unlucky '13 for me, who knows?

Here are the things I've achieved in 2013:

1. Landed a 2:1 in English Literature from the University of York

2. Proven that I am officially the worst at pub golf (with a rather cringey forfeit)

3. Worked at Red Bull Racing

4. Been hired as a PR intern for The Body Shop

5. Moved to London

6. Survived my first Fashion Week

7. Managed to not embarrass myself at the work Christmas party

8. Moved into a flat, paid for with my own money

But all my achievements (excluding number 2) have been down to a lot of hard work. And the bad news is, the hard work doesn't stop.

At university, there was a sense of consistency and stability. Outside of this self-contained bubble, change is an inevitable part of life, and there's no avoiding it. It's a case of adapt or be wiped out, sink or swim, dog eat dog (insert cliché of your choice). There's no time to get comfortable... In fact, there's no time at all! I got home today and realised I was taking really short breaths and had to remind myself that could actually breathe slooooowly. Which makes me sounds a bit bonkers, but as I reminded my colleagues at work today, "All the best people are."

Taking the post back to the actual title ("ABOUT BLOODY TIME!" I hear you say, if you've actually made it this far) here's a non-comprehensive list of what I've learned this year:

1. If you must work hard, play hard too, or you WILL go stir crazy

2. Taking responsibility for your failings is embarrassing, but it's all part of growing as a person

3. Drunk texting is never EVER a good idea. EVER.

4. London is a great place to live, as long as you can tolerate smelly/greasy/rude people every now and then

5. Something that matters now will mean next-to-nothing sooner than you think (and this can be a good thing).

6. Nothing is ever black or white

7. A bad day, week, or even a few weeks, does not mean you have a bad life

8. Sleeping does not qualify as relaxation

9. Everyone is guilty of making a bit of drama to keep things interesting

10. Awkward situations are inevitable

11. Weekends are a gift

12. Pizza fixes everything

Blood, sweat and tears, or "Sofie moves out"

At the beginning of this week, I said "If I can get through this week, I can get through anything." Now, on Sunday night, I can happily breathe a sigh of relief in the knowledge that yes, I DID IT.

This is what went down: 

Wrapping three digits worth of advent calendars

Creating a portfolio for...

A graduate scheme interview

My mid-year appraisal

A weekend in the midlands with my university friends including a very late night out

Packing for...

Moving to North West London. Today.

This time last week I had to remind myself that a week was only 7 days, and I could totally handle it. Maybe.

Panic.

The good news about the mass of advent calendars I sent out is I can now wrap things pretty darn well, ready for the festive season. The bad news: there were a LOT of advent calendars. I was so happy when I finished wrapping that I did a little jig in front of the post room guys. I think this just confirmed their suspicions of me as a mad lady, but I was too happy to care.

Creating my portfolio was stressful, but also a nice little boost. There's nothing like putting together a presentation about what you've achieved and giving yourself time to digest that these things are all yours, and I did actually deserve a pat on the back for my efforts up to this point.

My graduate scheme interview was a bit of a mess, since I'd misunderstood the meaning of "marketing communications" (thinking this would be similar to what I'm doing now) and after babbling about PR and how much I like working in the beauty industry, they interrupted with "So what makes you think you fit with *insert name of company* and advertising in particular? To which I may have replied something like "Um... Why not?" Oops. It also didn't help that my answer to "What was the last film you saw recently?" was "Monsters University" and it WASN'T, it was "Le Weekend", which would have made me sound so much more cultured. Sigh.

My mid-year appraisal was okay and went a lot better than I thought it would! Always a relief.

I was finally able to let off some steam with friends at the weekend and it was so so nice to see them. Especially as I hadn't seen one of them since graduation, which is now over 4 months ago. Someone please tell me where the time's going? Because I honestly don't know. It really was great to catch up with them and have a good old natter about anything and everything.

Unfortunately, I had next to no sleep last night because I was panicking so much about today, even though i'd been very good and completed most of my packing before I left for the weekend. Moving really is one of THE most stressful things. To make matters worse, my hungover/shattered state was pushed to the limit when my stepdad managed to cut open his forehead whilst loading my bits into the car. Disaster! I just heard a call of "Sofie, come here quickly" and was met with a bloodied father. It pushed me over the edge. I just started sobbing and clumsily trying to put ice into a bag rather than into a glass, THEN putting it into a bag.

I don't deal well under pressure, especially when tired, groggy, stressed, and witness to a bloodied mess of a father.

Did he have concussion? Was he able to drive? Did he need to go to A&E? Where was the nearest walk in centre?

Luckily, he was okay (just a bit sore) and we moved my mountain of rubbish into my new flat.

Phew. It's been quite the week.

So, what does this week have in store? Despite being busy, I'm hoping it will be more fun than stressful, thank goodness. I'm catching up with friends for post-work drinks, seeing Catching Fire (I. AM. SO. EXCITED. *squeals*), getting made over for our work Christmas party, and taking the following day off to recover and prepare for a weekend of excitement (I hope it's exciting, anyway!).

I might take a picture of my new room when I've got it looking all pretty. Not that I think anyone will care that much, but because I am very very happy with it. And I have a double bed again! The space is such a novelty...

Anyway, I'm starting to become a tad hysterical due to a lack of sleep/too much excitement, so I think we'll leave it there, shall we?

Never look back, never give up

A slightly more optimistic blog this time (not hard, I know) with the title inspired by Haim, who along with Chvrches, Lorde, London Grammar and Daughter, I can't stop listening to at the moment. The lyrics are a nice little mantra to (try) and live by.

I've been even busier than normal the last few weeks. I've seen Daughter in concert (they were AMAZING and she even made me momentarily consider cutting all my hair off and getting a fringe again), gone to my first football match, and helped my co-workers to launch Christmas at our blogger event last Thursday.

The theme for the event was SCHOOL, because the company's initiative for Christmas is to build 5 schools in CFT communities from consumers buying product. It's such a lovely idea and I'm pretty sure the bloggers enjoyed themselves. I myself was on a sugar high from our make-shift tuck shop and the glasses of prosecco I consumed, so I may have been a little biased... But hey, I like to think I deserved a treat after getting tape burn from duct-taping 34 boxes of product up! It was a fun night, and the venue looked fab.

                                  

                                  

                                  

                                  

                                  

In other news, I attempted to go out with friends on Friday, but it kind of failed... And when I say failed, I mean it took 2 hours to get someplace that was meant to take 15 minutes, we didn't actually go to a club, and I ended up terrorising late-night pedestrians (this sounds like a euphemism for prostitutes, but it's not) by wailing "Mirrors" by good old JT at them whilst my lovely and fiery friend tried to convince us that the taxi driver wasn't legit. It was quite the experience, and I guess a night that ends in "New Girl" isn't the worst night, right?

The next few weeks are going to continue to be hectic. I have a personal project I'm working on (watch this space!), grad schemes to apply for, birthday presents to plan and party outfits to sort... But things could be worse.

Have a good week, everyone :)

Tumblr: my toxic frenemy

First things first - I'd like to thank Chelsea Birkby, my oldest friend, and one of my best friends in the world. If it wasn't for her, this post wouldn't be happening. And for that, I owe her a lot. Firstly, because without her I'd still be stuck in a toxic cycle, and secondly, for making me feel a whole lot better about everything. She has inspired this post. So Chelsea, this one's for you (and for Katie, who kindly said "You're fit babes, don't worry about it")...

Lately, I've been on a downward spiral. Initially it started with self-doubt, which I blamed on starting a new job, and the uncertainty and anxiety that comes with new ventures. But then I started to dislike myself, dislike how I looked, dislike my size, my hair... just about everything. I mean, it started to veer on self-loathing.

Only now do I realise that this is bad, and it needs to stop.

And if my job wasn't to blame, what was? The simple answer: Tumblr.

Now, for those who aren't familiar with Tumblr, it's a social platform like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc, but it's different in that its main focus is photography (although you can share links, videos, quotes, text, and more).

At first, Tumblr was a bit of a novelty to me. It was a place to share things that I couldn't on Twitter. You know the drill: things you wouldn't post on Facebook, you tend to post on Twitter... And Tumblr was a place I could post things that I felt were too angsty for Twitter. 

It was a place I could rant, complain, moan about anything I wanted, and no one would say anything.

Which was liberating for a while, but then kind of sad, when you think about it. Can you imagine a place where people speak about things that bother them, and they disappear into the internet, with no one to console them? Well, that's Tumblr.

But it gets worse. Because Tumblr is more than that, worse than that. Not only does it allow a place for people to complain, but it allows for people to indulge in sadness. Almost until indulging becomes normal, and expected.

My "dashboard" (the equivalent of a facebook wall, or a twitter feed) was full of quotes and photography reblogged by people saying things like "When will things get better?", "I wonder if anyone knows how lonely I am", "It's 1am and all I can think about is you, and where things went wrong", "It sucks to be the ugly, fat and boring friend"... and so on. These posts have notes (likes & shares) in the 6 figure range. It's not right. And when you see things like this all the time - I'm guilty of scrolling through my dashboard first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening - it starts to affect you. And in my case, I found myself starting to feel this way, reblogging sad things, and feeling sad.

If that wasn't bad enough, Tumblr is guilty of promoting an unrealistic body image and unrealistic role models. I became attuned to seeing picture after picture of flawless models, Emma Watson, Lily Collins, Cara Delevigne, until I became numb. I knew I couldn't look like them, but I wanted to. It made me feel utterly crap. And the "typical Tumblr girl" was laughable - long, long dirty blonde hair, button nose, thigh gap, flat stomach, often donning a bikini (they always have pert, cellulite-less bottoms) or cut off shorts which on anyone above a size 6, would be considered indecent.

Again, if you see this all the time, it becomes the norm, and something to aspire to. Tumblr was my guilty pleasure, but it also became completely toxic. I felt like if I was down, I could always find solace in an angsty marker pen-covered paint sample (look it up, it's a total tumblr stereotype). Whenever I felt like I wasn't looking my best, seeing those  "perfect" girls was painful. It wasn't fitspo, it was just ridiculous. It was as if Tumblr was simultaneously encouraging indulgence in self-hatred and adoration of the unattainable, yet I couldn't get away. For every "sad" quote, there was a beautiful picture of the beach, offering a little escapism and aesthetic pleasure. For every ridiculously toned stomach, there was an adorable cat gif. But the negative always out-weighed the positive.

This might sound quite dramatic, but it's pretty amazing (disturbing?) the effect images and words can have on a person. Needless to say, if you've ever been moved by a book or a painting, you can begin to understand what I mean. Tumblr is just a digital version of this.

So, what was the point in this post? Yesterday I posted a particularly negative rant, and I woke up to my friend Chelsea saying "I saw your post, and I'm worried about you". It took a friend telling me to stop, and consider what the site was doing to me, to realise that I had to draw a line. Tumblr, if it was a friend, would be the type that gives you a back-handed compliment, lets you think they are reliable and trust-worthy, then completely betrays you, wishing you'd never met them in the first place.

I didn't need a "note" on a rant I'd written to make it feel like someone understood me; I needed a friend to tell me that I had a lot of things going for me, and that I was lovely, and beautiful, and had to stop being so negative.

Since this text, I have deleted the Tumblr app on my phone and iPad. I'm going cold turkey and avoiding the site until further notice. If I have a craving for pretty photography, I'll go on flickr or something. If I want a nice quote, I'll Google one. I thought Tumblr was the perfect combination of guilty pleasures rolled into a social media site, but it's only served for me to feel awful about myself, and it's time to cut it off.

Has anyone else felt the toxicity of Tumblr, or is it just me?